Wow

So me and Leigh still haven't changed anything. We saw each other yesterday and she said nothing other then how happy she was with out me. That hurts. I miss her however I know i have to move on and I feel like I can't. I'm a nice guy and I know that one day I will find the right one but in till then I'm a lost soul. I'm lost when it comes to words I'm losing focus on anything and every time I here her name I feel a little weak inside. When I talk to other girls i catch myself looking at them as deep as i can looking to see if they are the one who will make me better. I know I need to be single for a while. I know that life throws shit at you and all you have to do is just dodge it. I felt like she was the one. I guess the reality of the situation of it is that she was not the one. If she was then maybe it would have worked out better but it didn't. As a young man I know i have many years to look around for the "one". I feel like moving on from her is going to aid me in finding out who I am as a person. Gosh I miss her. I wounder if shes thinking of me of us. I miss looking into her eyes and feeling so at peace. Those last few sentences I have been thinking about for the last few days.

The First Step I think

So like I said earlier me and Leigh broke it off. During the last few weeks I have cried and felt like shit. I have told her that things would be different and that i would not make the same mistakes twice. I told her this in way that she could tell I was talking from my heart. I told her that I love and still think about her. These things that i feel are huge still are. However like i said earlier this was not the first time we ended things as a matter of fact in all the times before I was always saying sorry and all that, now after being in constant thought about it i realize that yea I did some things wrong however she has too. It took me a while to be able to tell myself that. So now its been a little over two weeks and i have all of these feelings inside that don't make any sense to me. The first one is that during these last couple of weeks we have talked and every time we talk shes tells me how much better she is with out me. She said that without me in her life shes happier. These are hard things to hear from someone you love so much. These things is what makes me have mixed feelings. I had to accept the fact that im a guy and im also a human. As a human there is no way I'm perfect. As a human I'm capable of change. As a human I know i can love with the kind of love that never strays. She knows who I am and she knows that we loved each other a lot. But these conversations we have had these past couple of weeks have been abrupt and mostly harsh to hear. And now here comes my mixed up feelings. I miss her of course i do i also miss the way i felt with her.  Then I have this feeling of anger or mad. I'm upset at the fact that she is not giving me an other chance you know. So as of now i think of her all the time. I go through pictures of us and shes always online and shes always on Facebook. Plus her and that guy she dated before me started talking again. So im hurt on different levels. And the hurt i feel is the kind that feels like it will never go away. On top of that I'm forced to see her three times a week. (we have a class together). So whats the first step in me moving on? I have no clue really I have no earthly idea on how i can forget her and move on with my life. Since our break up I have been out downtown with some friends and been doing whatever i can to stay busy. When i went out i was think of her a lot. However one thing that i have to deal with is filling in this void i have now. On top of my feelings of missing her I'm also dealing with this urge to go out and start something new with another women. I have this need to have someone. This is bad thing to have when your heart is broken and your single. I feel like I cant be happy unless I'm with a women. I know I know this is a wrong way to think and a wrong way to live however that's me. And in some ways that's her as well. In a lot of ways looking back i feel that we both got over our breakups because we had each other to focus on. So now because i feel like a rebound would only hurt me I'm living in what seems to be a fog. I guess i should accept these feelings and try to grow with it. Or maybe i shouldn't. Still not sure. These Mondays and Wednesdays and Fridays that I'm forced to see her my mind is all over the place. Should i say hey i still love you or should i say i have moved on don't worry about me? The next step might be more then a step i want to take. My therapist has told me that having a need for someone else is unhealthy and will prevent you from ever having a true in touch relationship again. In my next blog I will dive into this a little more.

The Background

So I have dated this one girl for a little bit more then a year. In this blog my main purpose is to write down how i feel and what I think about everything that's going on.  Below is summary of who I am and where I come from. However due to this being posted online and I would like to keep my identity I will be using both fabricated names and locations. Kinda like a book you read it has characters and fictional locations. However the events i write about are true. Also please excuse my spelling due to the fact I'm a Math major i do not place importance on things like spelling. Life is to short to correct every word. This same concept can be applied to eating a desert. Why eat it after dinner? Life is never certain so go ahead eat it fist.

So my Name I guess will be Alex. I always have liked that name. Anyways I'm a guy who is currently in School as a Math Major. I'm Currently at North Carolina State University. I grew up in a small town and is a product of a divorced family. I have no brothers or sisters so that made the process easier. So I get to school and I start dating. This one girl I dated her name was Liz. She and I dated for a year then ended it because she wanted to experience more things and travel. A couple weeks later I found out that Liz was interested in a other guy and that was her motive to end things.  I do not miss this relationship, however it would be the next one that i would come to miss. A few weeks go by after Liz and I broke up and I'm sitting in a Chem class and I notice this girl. Her name Leigh. She was beautiful and had beautiful eyes and a smile that could light up a room. We started talking slowly a few conversations a week then it grew to talking to one another many times a week. I started falling for her however due to my last relationship i was still dealing with those mixed up feelings. That Liz girl she really did hurt me in a way that i never experienced before. It was a sharp pain that took moving to a different girl for me to get rid of. This girl Leigh she was going through similar stuff with her ex whom she dated for a couple years. Once we realized that we were in the same spot we started talking more we started connecting with one another more and more. Then I go and do a silly thing. During that Thanksgiving break I feel back into the arms of a girl who i dated in High school. We started dating and it was a fast moving relationship. There a lot of things that went there that I'm not going to dive in however that relationship ended because she was crazy and I found out her true motives. Then during this same time Leigh started dating this guy that she was really good friends with. After Christmas me and Leigh started talking again. However this time it was different. It was I knew what I did was wrong to her and she knew that as well. However she decided to end things with that guy and give me a chance. Little did I know that this chance would have been the first of many that she would eventually gave me. we started dating and it was great at first. Then we date for a while and things are great. I realized that i found this girl who could change the way i live my life. This person who came in and made everything better. Then fast forward a few months and we start arguing with one another. We had epic fights that lasted for what seemed for ever. We had a fight about her exs and we had fights about her crazy mother Luna (note her name is not Luna however this word also means Crazy). We would fight about my friends that were girls or about my problems. We just fought all the time. But during these times I came to realize that when we were not fighting it was awesome. I could dive into more details and I'm sure that later on I will. Then lets fast forward to Valentine day this year. we broke up. We had a fight about me going to a work function with a coworker who was a girl. Leigh did not like this at all as a matter of fact she and i would eventually argue about this and this time the fight got ugly. I was stupid and made stupid decisions. I was at fault for this one and I know that now. In the past we broke up like twice and both times she was giving me a "chance". U had lots to change in her eyes and still do to this day. However my feelings are all over the place. So a little more then two weeks later I thought that this blog might be a good way to sort my feelings and determine what my next best move is. This is my story of moving on.